With Halloween creeping up behind us, why not set up a haunted house at someone else’s house? That way, if a sugar-and-fermented-sugar-fueled rager develops you can just sit back and not worry about your black cat being mistaken for a haunted house prop. Dogs love ‘em, but cats hate parties. Read on to know. If you don’t you won’t. And that would be scary.
Building & Hosting a Haunted House For Dumbies (Home Edition)
1. Have a house. Or borrow a foreclosed mcmansion.
2. Get some Booookers™, aka ghost speakers.
3. This is important: You better have the scariest noises on loop. Screams, scraping fingernails, silent graveyard sounds, stab sounds, drowning sounds, creaking floorboards if yours don’t already creak enough, last gasps, Tasmanian devils mating, etc.
4. Get 100 pounds of spaghetti and cook with red food dye till gooey. Cover the entire floor. Better have borrowed the house.
5. Cover the floor with spaghetti a week early for scary smells and vermin.
6. Set up bat traps about a week before Halloween. Release them in the house the night of. Lock doors from the outside and DO NOT go back in.
7. Dig about eight six-feet deep holes in the front yard. Avoid trees, roots will cause long delays you can’t afford. Have eight funerals going on at the same time. 8. Everyone dressed like 1980s basketball players with scary hairy legs like an American Apparel party.
8. Weep-laugh at all times.
9. Call your index finger Tony.
10. Watermelon jack o’lanterns. Stickier, plus tastes better.
11. Rent a butcher at rentabutcher.org. Ask him to make fresh hot dogs.
12. Toccata In D Minor, BWV 565 playing through your head. Only because you have a playlist on loop and can’t fit it in the already flawless loop.
13. Cover a hired hand in dirt alongside the path to the front door and have him grab passing ankles.
14. Dress husband/wife/willing neighbor up as the Macho Man Randy Savage playing the Little Red Robin Hood and speaking like Teddy Roosevelt.
15. Park all cars at the neighbors’ houses without permission.
16. Invite John Carpenter over. David Lynch in a pinch.
17. BOO!
18. Devils, grim reapers, ghosts, ghouls, demons, witches, pumpkinheads, goblins, vampires, werewolves, zombies, mummies, skeletons, black cats, spiders, owls, crows, and vultures are NOT to be invited.
19. Collect all cell phones and eyeglasses so they don’t interrupt people’s freaked thought processes. Copy one incriminating picture from each phone to extend afterscare.
20. Paint all windows black.
21. Ad break: 18 was brought to you by marshmallow Peeps. Now in Halloween flavor maybe.
22. Last but certainly not least, invite the fire department over and give them a freebie, it’s a pagan holiday.
Tags: Halloween, Haunted House, Random
